Intent - Sometimes It's Not The Words You Say

Without intent all painting is meaningless - Christopher Willard

I'm going to keep this a brief thought for the week because to be honest, the last few weeks of term are so manic and tiring, I'm doing all I can to keep my head above water. Mary is in the same boat... if you'll pardon the pun!

This topic has been at the forefront of my thinking this week after an unfortunate altercation between me and one of my best friends last week. I won't be mentioning him and I'll only be alluding to the actual incident because it's very personal to us but I did think it was a relevant issue to share.

Most of the time, I would say I am calm, happy and ameniable. I pride myself on my patience and tolerance in the face of adversity. But every once in a while my self control let's me down and I react to some situations before properly taking a step back and analysing them. I'm not the only person that does this and I'm constantly trying to be better.

Both of my parents, whilst extremely supportive, popular, happy and friendly, suffer the same personality trait. Quick to react. We're all a work in progress. But to be honest, anyone who thinks they're the final product or that they don't have flaws needs more help than us! At least I'm aware and trying to grow.

Anyway, I digress... last week I wouldn't say I fell out with my friend. Not from my perspective anyway. I think we both fell foul of misreading the intent of the words we both used and reacted in a disproportionate manner (me more so).

The fact is, if I'd have waited 5 minutes before replying to a message, I would have had time to compose myself and realise that there is no way that he would want to upset me and that the intent behind his words would have been nothing more than conversational in his own inimitable way. I read the words as overly aggressive and personal. But I know this man. Extremely well. And had I appreciated that in the heat of the moment, there would never have been any fallout. Not that it was huge.

And that's how I think lots of people get themselves in to trouble but also how lots of people cause trouble.

You see, intent can be far more important than the words used. Obviously I'm not talking about any obviously aggressive or derogatory words. There's no claim of "intent" that can cover up racism, sexism, homophobia etc. Words used to slur, demean or belittle can't be passed off as unintentional in terms of causing upset.

What I'm talking about more is when you know a person. Nuseir Yassin, otherwise known as Nas Daily, is a vlogger who breaks down stereotypes, tackles tough subjects, and spreads knowledge in his excellent daily vlogs. He challenges bigotry, racism and other tough subjects weekly. A few weeks ago he found himself in trouble after vlogging about his visit to an aboriginal community and thanking people for introducing him to "these people". 

On first read you probably think, what's wrong with that? And my answer is; nothing. But some people, who clearly don't know him, reacted angry that he could call aboriginals "these people". But any brief look in to who Nas is and what he is all about you would conclude that those words mean no offence at all. The intent means no offence. This man has personally been on the end of racism many times. He would have no interest spreading hatred. It's the opposite to what he does.

My family now have a kind of unwritten rule (after a few grand fallouts over the years) that we have to accept that none of us will ever go out of our way to upset each other. Sure, we may say or do something wrong, but it will never be intentional.  So we have decided to always give the benefit of the doubt before we react because we know each other well enough to know that there is far more love in the house than any other emotion and we want to keep it that way.

I'm personally proud of the progress we have all made with each other. Most of my familial relationships are stronger than they've ever been. And it all comes down to understanding and accepting intent.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you are constantly at odds with a family member or friend. Try to remember that the majority of families are all about love and very few actually want to upset each other. And remember why you are friends with your friends in the first place! I'm pretty sure most of us won't still be friends with people who we feel intentionally upset us regularly. This way, it cuts everyone a little slack when we all inevitably mess up from time to time.