Why I'm Happy To Be A Loser

To be a good loser is to learn how to win - Carl Sandburg

Let's be clear here, a loser mentality is something very different to a quitters mentality. In my mind anyway!

The two concepts are very different beasts and here is an example of why.

As part of my degree course I was lucky enough to listen to lectures from visiting speakers in all sorts of areas within sport. From nutrition, to physiology to psychology and much more. One of the lectures that really resonated with me and has stuck with me through all of these years was a lecture in sports psychology by a visiting sports psychologist by the name of Roberto Forzoni.

At the time Forzoni was working as a psychologist for the FA and was (and still is) very respected in the field. There were a few things he told us that have shaped how I view sport and myself both within sport and in my day to day life.

He told us that just before the Commonwealth Games in 2002 the Scottish athletics squad was interviewed as a group and asked which of them had been the number one in their chosen event as a junior. 

None of them had. When the question was widened out a bit to perhaps the top 3 then a few more had been around there as a junior. The majority were top 10 in their sport as a junior but were by no means the best at that time.

Even when I win I don't win. Overall Male Winner with the caveat of being second overall to a super speedy female.

So how were they at the Commonwealth Games and those who were better juniors didn't make it? It has, in part, to do with the psychology of winning or succeeding from a young age.

Forzoni went on to explain that those that were near the top as juniors had gotten there by hard work, of course. It would be impossible to get to that level without a solid work ethic. But what they hadn't had to deal with in enough psychological depth was losing.

As they progressed from very young, they were usually unchallenged and, without knowing it, building a certain type of personality that lead them to believe that their talent is based on whether they won or were the best, or not. And not the hard work that had got them to that point.

So when they were eventually beaten by perhaps the junior that was second best, they wilted away in to the background, almost over night, because they perceived that their talent was now gone and they had been usurped. Never to rise again.

Maybe this happened to the junior who had surpassed them too? They could have been so infrequently challenged that when they eventually got beaten they too retired in to the shadows like an old stag bested by a young buck in a duel.

So what of these "losers"?, comparatively speaking of course. How come they eventually succeeded where those top juniors didn't?

I think the answer has to do with the type of personality they had built in themselves by not being the best. Sometimes, nowhere near.

These juniors had scrapped, fought, clawed, failed, failed again, failed better. And what's more, every time they made even the slightest improvement, they saw that it was their hard work rather than any talent that had accounted for these improvements. If they'd have been born with a talent, surely they would be at the top already.

This became an upward spiral for those lower down. Hard work leads to small gains, leads to beating the person ranked above you, leads to more hard work etc. The reward was tangible. 

And of course there was also the downward spiral of those athletes now beaten. It doesn't matter how hard they worked. Someone had clearly got more talent than them and has moved above them and that's it for them. 

Only hard work and a sprinkling of luck got me here

It's extremely underestimated how fragile the child psyche is. In my profession I see it all of the time. Children mature at different rates which leads to different rates of gain in aerobic function, muscle mass, fast twitch fibres.

But if we're not careful as sports teachers then those near the top of their sports early on, will not sustain that level without the right attitude towards themselves and their sport if they don't mature as fast as others. Their work ethic doesn't go anywhere but now they're being beaten! It's our job to make sure that their attitude towards this setback is a positive and educated one.

I work with people who openly admit that they peaked early and quit their almost sports overnight once they were beaten for the first time. They're not to blame at all. They were children after all. It's the system that created their mentality. School and home. 

When I was at school there was a boy 2 school years above me called James Calvert. At every sports day he absolutely dominated everyone in his year. At cross country and athletics fixtures against other schools as well. Most couldn't get near him. We had another solid runner called Andy Graffin but even on his best day he wasn't near to James.

Andy Graffin went to the 2000 Olympics in the 1500m.

James Calvert never fulfilled the potential he showed at school. I'm not suggesting that this is the one and only reason. There could be a whole host of reasons for James not being known after school life. But I'd wager that infrequently feeling the pain and frustration of losing would have at least contributed.

Andy was never the best at school but he had clearly built himself as a type of person that would lose and keep fighting. Lose again and work harder. He would keep working until he got to where he wanted to go.

My own school life was a heady mix of average academic ability and below par sporting achievement and I could not be happier with the way things went. Looking back these experiences made me the person I am today and I've learnt a fair bit about myself and others along the way. I'm proud of who I've become.

I started playing football at the age of 7 for Langton Green. I was roughly the size of a 2 year old and had the speed to match. I was the little lad that played if they didn't have enough and I even played up front once (even though I'm a defender) and I scored a hat-trick. This was much to dad's dismay, who had promised me a fiver per goal, never expecting me to even get a sniff. One off of the shin, on off of the ear and a scuffed pea-roller through the keepers legs showed him!

In year 6 I snuck through the 11+ exams and gained a place at one of the local grammar schools. If I'm very honest I cruised through, doing the bare minimum. Sometimes working hard and sometimes hardly working. Good enough was good enough to me at that stage. I didn't excel but I also wasn't considered a waste of space.

Southborough Junior School - Year 6 1990. Spot the fashionista superstar ahead of his time...

At school I made the football "top squad" after the pre-school trials in year 7 and lasted all of 2 games before they once again realised that being the size of a chihuahua with the sprint speed of a fat hedgehog probably wasn't going to be useful against the best teams in the area.

What I could do though, was run distance. I mean, I couldn't win races. But I've always been able to run for a decent amount of time. And so I was put in to the cross country squad and stayed there throughout my time at school. Again never even making a top 10. But I didn't care. I was already becoming process driven.

As an adult I spent a lot of years playing football for some pretty decent teams, winning leagues, cups, gaining promotions and never being relegated but even still I was just a nicely average player in a good team. More the water carrier than the flare player. 

And then in to my 30's when I discovered Triathlon and running I've never really won anything. Not an age group win. Some top 10's but that's the extent.

And through all of this sporting endeavour? I've scrapped, learnt, watched, listened, failed, failed again, failed better and never ever gave up. I have a losers mentality and I believe it's one of my biggest assets. It makes me happy. It keeps me humble. And it makes me passionate about spreading that message. Because I know, in my heart, it's the right message.

So the next time you lose a game, or quiz or fail a test or do poorly in something. Just remember, it's not an indictment of your talent. Because in it's purest sense, talent is somewhat of a myth. 

How you frame that set-back is absolutely everything. So pass this message on to your children. To your nieces and nephews. To adults as well. I still know a few that could benefit from knowing it.

Happiness is being a loser. And being proud of it!